Of Fruitcake and Ficticious Drugs
by Maxegirl1313
Summary: Based on the prompt: Kirk starts dating someone Carol, an OFC and this person quickly realizes that Kirk talks about his best friend ALL the time. And they quickly get annoyed. warning: my attempt at humor and borderline crack, hints at slash


**(Short, silly piece. Really no excuse for it. I enojoyed writing it though, so, whatev. Ps I need to start my epic backpacking-to-legalized-assisted-suicide-in-Europe Kirk/Mccoy AU, would anyone read it?)**

"…So then Bones was all 'Dammit Jim, it's a fruit cake, not the A-Team, you really…" Elsie let her mind wander as Jim went of in another tangent about his best friend. Elsie had most definitely not signed up for this, this _constant_ and _steady_ stream of stories about Jim's _best friend_. Who is a _boy_ . And, according to Jim, a doctor, a southerner (Atlanta, Georgia to be exact), a divorcee, a father, a virgo, a decent roommate, a trained psychologist, a sadist, and a kind soul.

Elsie felt as though she knew 'Bones' than, at this point, she knew herself. Certainly better than she knew her date, the only information she knew about him she was in possession of before their date. Jim Kirk had seemed interesting and hot—exactly what she was looking for. He had electric blue eyes, a killer smile, and tragic past, Elsie had always been a sucker for a Tragic Past. But so far, despite this being their third date (each lasting nearly three hours) she had heard nothing about him, nearly not getting a word in edge-wise either.

She literally didn't understand how someone could talk about one person this much.

The theory Elsie was currently toying with was that Jim had built up a large vocabulary of words that served as a trigger that reminds him of 'Bones' and that, thanks to some alien voodoo, he immediately had to spout some story of their epic bromance or he would melt.

She was almost starting to believe it.

--

There was about ten more minutes of some especially bizarre story involving corn-on-the-cobb and a fictitious drug called _Adam_, before Jim was, amazingly, miraculously, silent.

The complete silence had literally left her stunned, mouth hanging open. Jim seemed to think this particular reaction had something to do with his story and he eagerly opened mouth, ready to start a new one, or elaborate, or something.

Elsie _would not_ let that happen. She messily interrupted him.

"So, Jim, why don't you tell me about…" She struggled to come up with a subject that had nothing to do school or work or hobbies or anything he could compare to _Bones_ , "..um… your… shoes! Where'd you get your shoes?"

That was a safe subject, right? Boys didn't go shoe shopping together or anything. Jim smiled at her and she felt something akin to hope. Yes, this could work, they could talk, have hot sex, go on dates, dreams do come true, angel chorus—

"Funny story—Bones actually got them for me, something about the leather…"

There was no god.

After another half hour of hearing about bones ~epic fashion advice~(Kirk had somehow managed to communicate the fact that, yes, there are squiggles in my speech patter, yes they are important) Elsie was damn near ready to kill herself.

There had to be something she could talk about, god even if it had nothing to do with Kirk, something to help stray away from fucking Bones. Elsie decided to let instinct help her, and go with the flow or non-Bonsey thoughts.

"Tampons!" She finally blurted. Which, what the hell? Okay maybe that had nothing to do with anything and Jim defiantly couldn't relate back to Bones, but, seriously, _what the hell?_

It did had the intended effect of Jim breaking of his sentence, his expression morphing into something bewildered, and kind of frightened.

"—I, um, I… okay? I really don't know, uh…" Jim trailed off, at a loss. Elsie blushed and tried to gain control of the conversation.

"Tampon, y'know? They're really, uh, y'know…" Jim nodded, still looking freaked out.

"Oh yeah, they really are." He agreed quickly. "Look, Elsie, I should, uh, probably go. You're a nice girl but maybe we should see other--"

Oh, no no no. If she had to listen to him talk about Bones non stop and try to make it work but she says one stupid thing and he's over her? Hell. No.

"Hey! No! You don't get to break up with me, mister. Nope, not after this little piece of hell on earth. I'm leaving. I hope you and _Bones_ "she spat the name with as much venom as she could muster. "are very happy together."

Jim just stared at her like he was concerned for her mental well-being.

She turned and stormed out of the door. But not before hearing Jim pick up his PADD and—

"Oh my god Bones you'll never guess what just--"

Elsie slammed the door and decided to stick with loners who had no fucking friends at all. 


End file.
